I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
