youre lurking in front of me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
