I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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