Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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