She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
