At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
