I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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