Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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