i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
