omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
