she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
