theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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