I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
