I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
