if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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