I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
