My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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