did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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