its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
