you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
