went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
