Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ambien. No doubt about it.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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