Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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