i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
