i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
