i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
