I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
