using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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