After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Drake has all the answers
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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