At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
