Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
