dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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