you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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