After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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