Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
do nipples grow back?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
