Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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