Sry I called you an 8
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
