drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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