I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize