I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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