The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
