In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
