i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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