ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
