I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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