I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
