I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize