mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
