did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
