just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
