My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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