So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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