i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
