My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
