I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
