I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Randomize
