Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
