i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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