Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
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